dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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