Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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