The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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