Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Randomize
