I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize