I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
