First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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