How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
