I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
