I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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