I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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