meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
