Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
