I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
