Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
