You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
