Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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