i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Randomize
