when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
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After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
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Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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