ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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