You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
