Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Randomize
