i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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