I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
