I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
