Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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