I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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