I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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