if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Randomize
