his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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