Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Randomize
