i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
