my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
