my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
