I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
