i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
