So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
