they need to just BURY HIM!
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
