you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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