My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
