Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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