Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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