One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Less talking, more tequila
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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