can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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