He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
my liver is dry heaving
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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