There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
