Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
