Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
