the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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