Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
