Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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