I wish I could punch you in the face.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
