Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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