She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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