I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
