1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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