I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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