Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
