Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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