guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize