Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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