OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
