6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
