She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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