I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
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