hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
