My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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