I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
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There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
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Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.