Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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